Mentalizing, if we boil it down, is just thinking about wat we think and feel, and feeling about what we feel and think — with a clear mind and balanced heart. Normally we don’t think and feel about what we think and feel; we just do what we do because it’s “normal” – at least as far as we are concerned. But most of what we care about and what troubles us is circling around how we mentalize, or don’t. The more mature our process is, the more peace of mind, harmonious relations, productivity and spiritual satisfaction we feel.
At the end of the month, we are doing a presentation to the PAMFT centered on mentalizing. I’ve been refreshing my awareness of the literature. The term “mentalization” emerged in psychoanalytic literature in the 1960’s. It became more widely applied in the 1990’s. Peter Fonagy and others applied the concept of mentalizing to attachment relationships gone awry — that is where I encountered the idea in the 2000’s.
At that point I was especially interested in how so-called “borderline” personalities might learn to live in the church. These kind of people, with a “disorganized” attachment style — likely due to physical, psychological or sexual abuse and other trauma, have difficulty developing the ability to mentalize. Had they experienced their parents doing it, they would be better able to imagine and represent the states of their own and others’ minds. But their weakness leaves them mistrusting themselves and others and desperate to find a way out of that arid place.
We’re mentalizing it in our dreams
Mentalizing is something we need to learn if our insides are wounded; there is a disconnection we are rejoining. As hard as that may be, there is good new: it is a natural process. I think we naturally do some mentalizing when we dream. When we are asleep and our waking self is not reacting to the outside world as it usually does, our undistracted mind is repairing and forming understanding that we might discover later. I had an interesting experience the the process that led me to write this post.
I woke from an intriguing dream. I can’t remember what went before, but I remember wanting to hang on to it — to mentalize. The part I do remember was me walking through a hall like a cafeteria, filled with people scattered about. I saw a table across the way filled with some of the cool kids. They were looking at me, apparently talking about me. One of the all-around athletes in my high school was there. They were commenting on the 3 ft. piece of 4” PVC pipe I was carrying. The people I passed seemed to think I might use it as a weapon. The cool kids made fun of me for having it, like it was foolish and I didn’t know it. I heard them and went over to their table. I sat down with them. A table behind them was filled with women teachers, significantly. The women acted like they could not hear what I said but smiled approvingly.
I asked the group “What do you think is successful?” No one answered as I looked around. So I said, “Let’s try this. At what is each of you most successful?” No answers. So I turned to the football star, “What do you think Phil is successful at?” There was no immediate answer, so I talked about how he was good at football. I looked around circle. My intention was for each of us to tell the others what we are good at.
That is when I began to wake up. I woke up realizing I was dreaming about the kind of affirmation exercises I led many times in many groups — which seemed like a very strange thing to be dreaming about! Before I was fully awake, a Bible verse I memorized as a child floated up from the King James Bible: “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” My mind was working out what I think and feel about success.
When we are asleep, we are still mentalizing. I got to see what was going on because I have a cold and kept waking up. Responding to the urge to remember and even write it down, as I later did, sealed the process.
We are mentalizing in a psychotherapy session
Some might say connecting the concept of mentalizing to dreams is the opposite of the word intends. Because the whole idea the theorists were going for included intention. People with a mentalizing deficit are awash in automatic thoughts, unmanageable feelings and unruly behavioral habits. Mentalizing is about putting our inner and outer processes under control, balancing out, slowing down and speeding up when you intend to, not just following the chaos around. That’s a very important skill for everyone to develop.
But the theorists might be going too far, by implying our good intentions have enough power to get things under control. We say “I didn’t do it intentionally” all the time because we often don’t intend our bad behavior and we are afraid to enact our good behavior. Dreaming is a built-in process, like breathing, which we don’t control. They are a look into what the brain is doing when we sleep to repair and prepare. I think my dreams represent my God-given capacity to chill out and get better. When we are awake and mentalizing (even thinking and feeling about our dreams), we are cooperating with our innate capacity, not just trying get monster within to act according to as better rubric.
When we come to a psychotherapy appointment, no matter what kind of method is being used, a basic thing we are doing is mentalizing. It is a lot like I was doing in my dream, wandering around my inner world, learning to understand my own mental states and others’ feelings, desires, wishes, goals, purposes, reasons, only I am starting with the therapist in front of me in a small “hall” so to speak. It is all quite doable. We humans are all about relating, all the time. In my dream, the scenes were filled with people. I was relating to myself in all the many ways I do, all represented by people I love or want to love or who I wish loved me or don’t. In therapy I can explore all that with a safe partner.
Often, no matter what techniques the therapist has or goals they might have for their client (even if they are a very bad therapist!), if all we are doing is wandering around in a safe place to explore our inner world with another person, something good is likely to be born. Not long ago a client complained about all the bad therapists they had paid. I later wondered if he wanted me to feel good about him by complimenting me for not being so bad! I thought, “All those therapists were just helping you along the way, and now you are here, able to imagine what would be good therapy and eager to take advantage of this new season of growth.”
I hope I have learned to be a decent therapist. But, I have to admit, as my dream reinforced, the best thing I do, probably, is to show up and be kind. I am tenderhearted toward the client, which means I have learned to mentalize. I can feel along with them, not only empathize, but understand their misunderstandings with them. I don’t impose my understanding of God on my clients (as if that would do them any good), but I do the last part of the verse, too. I forgive them as Jesus forgave me. All their self-loathing and resistance, their willful ignorance and self-destructive behaviors, the harm they cause in the world and all their immoralities — it is not “all good” but I am intentionally putting it in God’s good care.
We should intend to mentalize all day
We are all working on mentalizing, whether we know the word or not — or how did this famous song get so popular? There are so many covers of Nina Simone’s song, it may be the mentalizing national anthem. A lot of us are desperate to do the work.
Yeah, baby, sometimes I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
Yeah, and other times it seems that
All I ever have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side
… Oh, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood
Everyone is wandering around in their dreams and on the sidewalk wishing they understood what was going on. And their minds are racing to figure it out, one way or another. People are looking to each of us to help them.
Here are some examples of how we come to feel better and better understanding when we mentalize:
- A woman told me she had “one of those moments” when the preacher was speaking directly to her. It was like “he was reading my mind.” She was stopped “in her tracks.” I think connecting spiritually is real. I am glad some pastors give people the impression they empathize and think alongside their people.
- If you are out on the street you can probably tell which people you can talk to when you need help. You get the idea they will understand you and feel with you. I practiced this a lot when I first got to Philly and intended to meet prospective church members right there on the sidewalk. If I got lost, I would look around and spot the likely helper.
- There is a look on someone’s face when they see that you see them. Sometimes they melt. We love our dogs because a lot of them can’t help but wait to see if they are going to be seen. Before TikTok is banned you’ll probably see a bull dog sitting on his master’s chest, looking him in the eye and then putting his head down to cuddle up under his chin. We all feel that way.
- Since we just finished Christmastide, let me end with another song. The Coventry Carol was working on mentalizing long before their we psychology folk discovered it. The chorus is “Lully. Lullay, thou little, tiny child.” The women are thinking about the danger the bloodthirsty king, Herod, presents to Jesus. Some people say the words are 14th century slang for “I see. I saw.” That would be great for my point if it were true, but I haven’t verified it. It is a lullaby. It brings us into a “lull” where we can feel safe, go to sleep and dream.
When our mother or father cradled us in their arms and looked us in the eye, we began to feel the safety of being seen and seeing back, even before our eyes could focus well. You might like to try listening to the song intentionally as if the singers were seeing you in your sorrow or threatening situation. Feel the sadness, the fear, the awe, the lull and also think about the story, find yourself in it, wonder about how you would react to the experience. That would certainly be an antidote to the shallow soundbiting we are taught all day! You’d be mentalizing. You might feel better or deeper when you were done. You might even gain some mental strength or spiritual courage to face the troubles you face, and move with the positive desires drawing you, inside and out.