Tag Archives: mentalizing

The inside and out of mentalizing

A life in the Spirit, Psychological growth, , ,

Mentalizing, if we boil it down, is just thinking about wat we think and feel, and feeling about what we feel and think — with a clear mind and balanced heart. Normally we don’t think and feel about what we think and feel; we just do what we do because it’s “normal” – at least as far as we are concerned. But most of what we care about and what troubles us is circling around how we mentalize, or don’t. The more mature our process is, the more peace of mind, harmonious relations, productivity and spiritual satisfaction we feel.

At the end of the month, we are doing a presentation to the PAMFT centered on mentalizing. I’ve been refreshing my awareness of the literature. The term “mentalization” emerged in psychoanalytic literature in the 1960’s. It became more widely applied in the 1990’s. Peter Fonagy and others applied the concept of mentalizing to attachment relationships gone awry — that is where I encountered the idea in the 2000’s.

At that point I was especially interested in how so-called “borderline” personalities might learn to live in the church. These kind of people, with a “disorganized” attachment style — likely due to physical, psychological or sexual abuse and other trauma, have difficulty developing the ability to mentalize. Had they experienced their parents doing it, they would be better able to imagine and represent the states of their own and others’ minds. But their weakness leaves them mistrusting themselves and others and desperate to find a way out of that arid place.

We’re mentalizing in our dreams

Mentalizing is something we need to learn if our insides are wounded; there is a disconnection we are rejoining. As hard as that may be, there is good news: it is a natural process. I think we naturally do some mentalizing when we dream. When we are asleep and our waking self is not reacting to the outside world as it usually does, our undistracted mind is repairing and forming understanding that we might discover later. I had an interesting experience of the process that led me to write this post.

I woke from an intriguing dream. I can’t remember what went before, but I remember wanting to hang on to it — to mentalize. The part I do remember was me walking through a hall, like a cafeteria, filled with people scattered about. I saw a table across the way filled with some of the cool kids. They were looking at me, apparently talking about me. One of the all-around athletes in my high school was there. They were commenting on the 3 ft. piece of 4” PVC pipe I was carrying. The people I passed seemed to think I might use it as a weapon. The cool kids made fun of me for having it, like it was foolish and I didn’t know it. I heard them and went over to their table. I sat down with them. A table behind them was filled with women teachers, significantly. The women acted like they could not hear what I said but smiled approvingly.

I asked the group “What do you think is successful?” No one answered as I looked around. So I said, “Let’s try this. At what is each of you most successful?” No answers. So I turned to the football star, “What do you think Phil is successful at?” There was no immediate answer, so I talked about how he was good at football. I looked around circle. My intention was for each of us to tell the others what we are good at.

That is when I began to wake up. I woke up realizing I was dreaming about the kind of affirmation exercises I led many times in many groups — which seemed like a very strange thing to be dreaming about! Before I was fully awake, a Bible verse I memorized as a child floated up from the King James Bible:  “Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” My mind was working out what I think and feel about success.

When we are asleep, we are still mentalizing. I got to see what was going on because I have a cold and kept waking up. Responding to the urge to remember and even write it down, as I later did,  sealed the process.

We are mentalizing in a psychotherapy session

Some might say connecting the concept of mentalizing to dreams is the opposite of the word intends. Because the whole idea the theorists were going for included intention. People with a mentalizing deficit are awash in automatic thoughts, unmanageable feelings and unruly behavioral habits. Mentalizing is about putting our inner and outer processes under control, balancing out, slowing down and speeding up when you intend to, not just following the chaos around. That’s a very important skill for everyone to develop.

But the theorists might be going too far, by implying our good intentions have enough power to get things under control. We say “I didn’t do it intentionally” all the time because we often don’t intend our bad behavior and we are afraid to enact our good behavior! Dreaming is a built-in process, like breathing, which we don’t control. When we experience our dreams at the edge of sleep, we get a peek into what the brain is doing when we sleep to repair and prepare. I think my dreams represent my God-given capacity to chill out and get better. We are not just our intentions, we are intended. We are designed to heal and grow. When we are awake and mentalizing (even thinking and feeling about our dreams), we are cooperating with our innate capacity, not just trying get the monster within to act according to as better rubric.

When we come to a psychotherapy appointment, no matter what kind of method is being used, a basic thing we are doing is mentalizing. It is a lot like I was doing in my dream, wandering around my inner world, learning to understand my own mental states and others’ feelings, desires, wishes, goals, purposes, and reasons — only now  I am starting with a therapist in front of me in a small “hall” so to speak. It is all quite doable.

The therapists helps me to mentalize and helps me to do it with another person, which is that much more complex. We humans are all about relating, all the time. In my dream, the scenes were filled with people. I was relating to myself in all the many ways I do, all represented by people I love or want to love or who I wish loved me or don’t. In therapy I can explore all that with a safe partner.

Often, no matter what techniques the therapist has or goals they might have for their client (even if they are a very bad therapist!), if all we are doing is wandering around in a safe place to explore our inner world with another person, something good is likely to be born. Not long ago a client complained about all the bad therapists they had paid. I later wondered if he wanted me to feel good about him by complimenting me for not being so bad! I thought, “All those therapists were just helping you along the way, and now you are here, able to imagine what would be good therapy and eager to take advantage of this new season of growth.”

I hope I have learned to be a decent therapist. But, I have to admit, as my dream reinforced, the best thing I do, probably, is to show up and be kind. I am tenderhearted toward my clients, which means I have learned to mentalize. I can feel along with them, not only empathize, but understand their misunderstandings with them. I don’t impose my understanding of God on my clients (as if that would do them any good), but I do the last part of the verse, too. I forgive them as Jesus forgave me. All their self-loathing and resistance, their willful ignorance and self-destructive behaviors, the harm they cause in the world and all their immoralities — it is not “all good” but I am intentionally putting it all in God’s good care.

We should intend to mentalize all day

We are all working on mentalizing, whether we know the word or not — or how did this famous song get so popular? There are so many covers of Nina Simone’s “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood,” it may be the mentalizing national anthem. A lot of us are desperate to do the work.

 Yeah, baby, sometimes I’m so carefree
With a joy that’s hard to hide
Yeah, and other times it seems that
All I ever have is worry
And then you’re bound to see my other side

… Oh, I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

Everyone is wandering around in their dreams and on the sidewalk wishing they understood what was going on. And their minds are racing to figure it out, one way or another. People are looking to each of us to help them.

Here are some examples of how we come to feel better and better understanding when we mentalize:

  • A woman told me she had “one of those moments” when the preacher was speaking directly to her. It was like “he was reading my mind.” She was stopped “in her tracks.” I think connecting spiritually is real. I am glad some pastors give people the impression they empathize and think alongside their people.
  • If you are out on the street you can probably tell which people you can talk to when you need help. You get the idea they will understand you and feel with you.  I practiced this a lot when I first got to Philly and intended to meet prospective church members right there on the sidewalk. If I got lost, I would look around and spot the likely helper.
  • There is a look on someone’s face when they see that you see them. Sometimes they melt. We love our dogs because a lot of them can’t help but wait to see if they are going to be seen. Before TikTok is banned you’ll probably see a bull dog sitting on his master’s chest, looking him in the eye and then putting his head down to cuddle up under his chin. We all feel that way if we think someone is attending to us with positive feelings and thoughts.
  • Since we just finished Christmastide, let me end with another song. The “Coventry Carol” was working on mentalizing long before their we psychology folk discovered it. The chorus is “Lully. Lullay, thou little, tiny child.” The women are thinking about the danger the bloodthirsty king, Herod, presents to Jesus. Some people say the words are 14th century slang for “I see. I saw.”  That would be great for my point if it were true, but I haven’t verified it. It is a lullaby. It brings us into a “lull” where we can feel safe, go to sleep and dream ourselves toward connection and peace.

When our mother or father cradled us in their arms and looked us in the eye, we began to feel the safety of being seen and seeing back, even before our eyes could focus well. You might like to try listening to the carol intentionally as if the singers were seeing you in your sorrow or your threatening situation. Feel the sadness, the fear, the awe, the lull and also think about the story, find yourself in it, wonder about how you would react to the situation. That would certainly be an antidote to the shallow soundbiting we are taught all day! You’d be mentalizing. You might feel better or deeper when you were done. You might even gain some mental strength or spiritual courage to face the troubles you face,  and move with the positive desires drawing you, inside and out.

What about justice? A few answers and one-liners.

Doing Theology, , , , ,

When we met to do some theology at the end of last month, The U.S. Social Forum was still winding down. It calls itself a “convergence driven by the understanding that people’s movements are what create social change….The goal is to map out action plans for a cohesive movement and organize to be on the offense against all forms of oppression.” We felt some solidarity, since our “doing theology” time  had the feeling of convergence, too; and being on the offense against oppression sounds like Jesus.

 

What’s more, we have been reignited, since last August, about the racism in the country and the ongoing injustice it causes. The Black Lives Matter movement has energized a lot of us. Several of us have been involved with the Philly Coalition for REAL Justice (racial, economic and legal) who demand justice through “policy work, direct action and community education.” It feels like a new environment these days and we want to think about it with Jesus. What about justice? What does God think about it and are we practically following the Lord’s lead?

 

So we did some theology about it. You can see some of our study on the previous blog post. When we say we “do theology” we mean we are mentalizing with God and his people. It is all about listening, but it is not social construction of reality; it is listening for the reality behind what we think we know, hearing the voice of God. In that we honor the Bible as the trusted basis for hearing God’s voice and we respect people who have done the work to understand the Bible. But we are not just parsing words, making laws, or arguing over theories. We are trying to figure out what to do and who to be. Doing theology is thinking and feeling along with God and letting my thinking and feeling conform to my truest, God-given self.

Knowing what to do often feels like an emergency. Right when we were advertising our meeting, the aftermath of a divorce caused some deep feelings of injustice among us! How should Circle of Hope respond to injustice? That is, how should we apply scripture and corporate wisdom, not just cobble together stray political philosophies? We had a few answers to that question:

  • We need to make reconciliation happen. We can start by laying down any sense of moral superiority when we begin.
  • We want to keep in mind that Jesus faced and faces the ultimate injustice. People laced with empire thinking and demands might find the Lord hard to identify with, but they need to do it.
  • Worship is a tangible way to make justice. As different movements have shown, the songs of justice give a place for the Spirit of God to move. So worship while making justice.
  • We need to remember who is the author of justice. The government, or whoever seizes the reins of power, will try to be god giving us justice. But Jesus is author. He is executed again in the body of Christ and creating what is right with us.
  • We need to stay inclusive and insert ourselves even where were are not normally welcome. Bring people in to the presence of God and prophecy and take the presence with us when we prophesy. Jesus will rise after wrestling with the root of injustice. We reflect that miracle.
  • It would be great to get everyone together to do something so notable that it was a sign of resurrection to the powers that deal death. We’ll keep trying and not be fatalistic. At the same time, a lot of little stuff, like we normally do, is also effective. When we need to all show up we do. But incrementally is also a way to work justice.
  • [Check out “generating justice…” in our proverbs]

We sometimes try to come up with one-liners to help us remember what we discovered. Here are a few that arose during our time together:

  • We need the Holy Spirit to act justly.
  • Cling to what is good as your center, your anchor.
  • When we create space for healing we loosen the oppressor’s grip.
  • Use power to lift others up.
  • The way we do justice might be more effective than accomplishing a goal.
  • There are levels of justice, but restorative justice is the goal. We’ll need empathy to go there.
  • Justice and mercy kiss. Love and compassion are bedrock for justice.
  • Develop empathy, not aggression.

Our times together are not meant to come up with the last word. But no doubt there are some first and last words in what we hear. How about adding some discernment of your own?

 

 

Running the Bases: Revised

A life in the Spirit, Doing Theology, , , , , , ,

We need to know how we know things. This became clear again, lately, as some of my friends needed to make big decisions. They did not have as many resources for discernment as they wished they had! A couple of times we got out the old baseball diamond chart and tried to “run the bases” a few times to figure something out.

bases

The chart offers a way to simplify the process of making decisions — discerning what we need to know. At its most basic level of interpretation the chart is about coming to understand what we consciously know, at this point, about what God is saying to us, and how we might sort that out.

The creation – We start as creatures in God’s creation, with instincts about what is good and bad, safe and dangerous, beautiful and ugly, etc. Some people might call what we do at this base an appreciation of “natural law.” We can know a lot about what God is trying to say by sitting on the beach looking at the ocean. One can read deep things about God by sitting with a leaf for a while.

Note: People or institutions that never get off home plate aren’t in the game much; they tend to think being a creature, interpreting “reality” from their own vantage point is all there is!

The Bible —  The revelation recorded in the Bible is like first base, our elementary, basic teaching about what God says and how to do the word. It is the basis of our tribe’s “lore” — our understanding about life, our tradition, history and ritual. It is the tried and true compendium from the spiritual ancestors validated by the present-day confirmation of the Spirit. Our practical, historical, and accountable understanding of God starts here. The Bible is mother’s milk to spiritual babes; and everyone comes to God as a child.

Note: People or institutions that live on first base might be a bit infantile.

The Body – The Church is like second base; it includes first base and started at home. In the church we have an ongoing dialogue that continues to process the word we have received and to incorporate further revelation. By speaking the truth in love our critical thinking is engaged. We discern-things-through with one another. In this way the body of Christ allows us to grow into more “teenage” thinking. We need a place where we can dare to be someone while still in a secure environment.

Note: People or institutions that stay on second base can end up designed for endless argument, just like teens seem to be.

The Spirit – A deepening person-to-person relationship with God is like getting to third base. We have to consider how God is directly speaking to us. We need to develop confidence that our thoughts and feelings coincide with God’s character and actions. We need to relate to God. We have experiences like Paul meeting Jesus on the road to Damascus, or Matthew hearing Jesus call him to follow, or the woman at the well hearing her deepest secrets and needs touched. We long for a daily sense of discernment and direction– a sense that we know and appreciate God for who God is.

Note: People or institutions who camp on third base can be so subjective that their conclusions can ultimately be more about themselves than God.

After “running” we get back to home with a deeper understanding of our place in creation and our mission in the re-creation. Chances are, we will be running the bases again to sort out some new thought or circumstance. We hunger to keep moving with God and keep receiving from God all the gifts of knowledge, wisdom and vision we are given through every “base.”

Obviously, what I’ve said so far is a somewhat superficial idea about the complexity of thinking. It is mainly on a rational level. Lately I have thought I should be considering how to run the bases like an organism that is more than a brain. We listen and learn with our emotions and our new spiritual instincts as well as our minds. So “running the bases” should reflect how we love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.

The creation – I need to consider how I work as the creature I am. I am a peculiar creation with a way about me that is natural for me. I should honor that and live out of my new self with confidence.

The Bible – Reading the Bible is not just about understanding concepts. The Bible leads us to the basic disciplines of meditation and prayer. I need a collection of disciplines that help my inner being conform to the revelation I read or am taught, so I am saturated with the truth and love that is revealed. I am doing the word, not just hearing it. I am responding to God’s word to me, obeying, developing not just collecting thoughts.

The Body – My place in the body is elemental to my knowledge of God. Here I receive spiritual direction from caring people who know me. Here I test out my gifts and prove my value. From here I launch into mission. In the process of building, I am built. There is no ultimate knowledge outside God’s family.

The Spirit – I have an entire, spiritual side to me that is being discovered. God may lead me through new impulses, through visions. My dreams may come to have deeper meaning. I may receive words of prophecy, even the ability to heal. My daily experience of life has changed, so that everything has meaning. I can learn from every moment, every person, every discourse.

I put out this very basic thinking to encourage anyone who is listening to run the bases a few times today at various levels. Almost any subject can benefit from some Spirit-to-spirit mentalizing: What should I do about my marriage? How should I enter into the meeting at work today? How is God responding to the fear I am feeling? What should I do next?

God bless you as you do some spiritual huffing and puffing around the diamond.

[For a nice treatment of a lot of this, pick up Wilkie and Noreen Au’s The Discerning Heart]