Tag Archives: anger

Should I forgive someone if they won’t apologize?

A life in the Spirit, Building community, Psychological growth, , , , , ,

Gwen and I are getting ready to write an article that responds to some of the unreconciled relationships we recall and how forgiveness has worked in those places. I was reminded of this post from 2022 when the need to forgive was very fresh and Joe Biden had some issues with reconciliation to deal with too!

The Washington Post surprised me the other day with an op-ed featuring Warren G. Harding – the first president after World War I, who is most-remembered for the corruption in his administration. That’s him, above, throwing out the first pitch. So it has been a weird week. First, I liked Dick Cheney, of all people, for accompanying Liz to the Jan. 6 commemoration. Then I read WaPo and ended up admiring the super-capitalist, Teapot Dome president!

I did not know that Harding forgave Eugene V. Debs! He commuted the sentence of the  Socialist who ran against him from prison! Debs’ crime was doubting-out-loud the validity of WWI — he called it a diabolical capitalist war (I guess I would have voted for him). For his free speech, the Woodrow Wilson administration threw Debs in jail with a dubious application of the Espionage Act. When Harding followed Wilson, he decided to forgive Debs, against the advice of his advisors. He even made sure the “traitor” came to the White House on his way home from prison, so he could meet him and form some kind of relationship.

Biden has been acting out a similar public drama for us all year. He’d love to forgive people. But he took the gloves off on Epiphany (which he also loves to to) and laid out Trump. For most of the year he had been restrained, trying hard to bridge the political chasm dividing the country. But that appears to be over.

Are you similarly conflicted by your own relational chasms? Do you rehearse snappy things you would say to your enemies in your head — the zingers you will never get a chance to deliver? What do you do when your offender will not apologize, much less reconcile?

Have you decided how you are going to handle the people who have undermined you, lied about you and then blamed you for what they did to you? Maybe you just wait to see what will happens when the drama starts.

You won’t have to wait long, apparently. A lot of us are having a lot of drama. All over the country divorces have gone up, families have been divided over politics, churches have split and pastors have resigned. You can’t look at the news, if you dare, without someone worrying about American “democracy” – which Eugene V. Debs did not think much of when he was jailed for saying something that 900,000 people voted for.

It can be hard to forgive sometimes, but if Warren Harding can do it, maybe we can too.

What if they don’t say they are sorry?

This is always the big question when it comes to forgiveness. What if the person who hurt me is not sorry? It is not uncommon for someone to protest like this when forgiveness is suggested:

I can’t let my guard down. That would be surrendering and acting like they were justified in hurting me. They would get away with their crime! I would be just as vulnerable to more of the abuse I just suffered.

I will not forgive until the other person: 1) knows that wrong was done; 2) feels an inner sorrow for doing it; 3) apologizes to me; 4) and makes amends. Then I’ll know it is safe to forgive and enter back into the relationship.

Most of us are taught to apologize from a young age along the lines of those last four conditions.  Maybe you bit your sibling (well, I did, at least), said something cruel, pushed someone around, and a well-meaning adult intervened and told you, “Now, say you’re sorry.” As kids, those half-hearted apologies, sometimes followed with forced hugs, were enough to help us move on. But something changed as we got older. Aren’t apologies a little harder to come by, now? Aren’t the issues cutting a little deeper than, “She took my Sports Diva!”

What are you supposed to do when someone intentionally hurts you, rips your heart wide open, and then leaves you to pick up the pieces? What if they move on with their lives, and there is no well-meaning adult to come along and demand they apologize?

From our playground lessons, we’ve been conditioned to think forgiveness follows an apology. But things change and people forget how to apologize or think they are avoiding the problem by never having relationships deep enough to matter. We protest that someone is letting our hurt and their perfidy go unnoticed and all we hear is, “That’s your problem. Deal with it.” We get the unspoken message we’re wrong for being hurt. But living wronged with that prickly disconnection installed is a recipe for bitterness and it might even make us sick.

When hurt remains unforgiven, when the memory stays unprocessed, it sits in our hearts as if it is still happening. A lot of us are waiting for an apology in order to get some relief. Do you have anyone on whom you are still waiting? Is it fairly easy to get all worked up when their face pops into your mind or someone speaks about them fondly or you see them succeed? Jessica Harris wrote:

“My dad left our family when I was in elementary school. The pain caused by his abandonment ran deep. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that someone I loved could hurt me so badly when I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Then, as I got older, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that someone I loved could hurt me so badly and not care.

That ate away at my heart for years. The hurt remained unresolved as I waited for this man to return to my life and apologize for wrecking it. I thought my anger was my power. My ability to never forget was going to ensure I would never get hurt again. It was how I protected my heart.

That anger bled over into my other relationships. I became angry in general, always blaming it on my dad. If he would just admit he was wrong, my life would be better.”

I couldn’t tell that same story.  But I have definitely had to work through similar hurts in the last few years. You probably have had some hurts too. My clients certainly share them every day: a trauma that is lodged in the memory and won’t go away, a loved one who betrayed their trust, an unscrupulous salesman or contractor who swindled them, a family member who hurt them but has since passed on. They still feel deeply about people who cut them deep but have never once breathed an apology. You might feel you have a right to hold a grudge, yourself.

What if anger is not strength?

Bitterness is an enemy of resilience. It is the opposite of joy isn’t it? It is the taste of poison.  You cannot be strong and move forward with your life while still dragging around chests full of bitterness from your past like you’re Jacob Marley.

What kids rarely learn is that an act of forgiveness strengthens the heart of the forgiver as much as it frees the offender. Forgiveness is not, “I am OK with what you did.” It isn’t even, “I accept your apology.” It is, “I am not going to hold this in me or against you anymore.”

The point of forgiveness and apologies is ultimately reconciliation. It is great when an apology is extended by the person who committed the hurt; then they can be free of what they are dragging behind them. It is an everyday miracle when forgiveness is extended by the person who was hurt; then they can get over what the offender did to them. If those things happen, then two people who have freed one another can move on to work out how to live together in love, and creation is that much less ruined.

But even if you can’t get to reconciliation you can still forgive, and bring some kind of closure to a wound. Adults take charge of their traumas all the time. You can forgive even if there is no apology.

If you’re too hurt to forgive right away, take time to scab over. But try not to hold on too long. The anger you nurse is just the hurt hanging on. Being angry is not being strong. Forgiving brings strength that lets us really heal and move forward with life without waiting for someone to let us out of our bitterness prison.

Go ahead and forgive

Forgiveness is uncommon enough that it is actually studied — you can be a forgiveness expert.  A growing body of research shows that best way to forgive comes from exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness, even if there is no justice or hope of reconciliation. When we are good, within reason, to an offender, we will reduce our anger, anxiety  and depression and improve our self-esteem and hope (Robert Enright) — a good reason to forgive is to protect your health!

We dare not conflate forgiveness and reconciliation. People often do, but we dare not. Forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation, restitution or justice. The offer of forgiveness can be unconditional, not dependent on the other’s response at all, including an apology. Forgiveness like that looks like Jesus, right? Reconciliation is much more likely  if it begins with that kind of forgiveness.

Reconciliation, when at least one party is deeply and unfairly hurt, is the fruit of forgiveness and apology and is conditional; it depends on how the offending party or parties understand their hurtful ways and change. Reconciliation like that looks like what Jesus is trying to build, right?

A forgiver is motivated by their desire to be rid of resentment and act as good as is possible toward an offending person. If that person has no inner sorrow, never intends to apologize or to make amends, you don’t need to act as if they do. Yet, you can still have the intention to reconcile if the person changes and a relationship becomes safe. You can even  show an outward quality of forgiveness, for example, by not talking disparagingly about the offender to others. If you do that, you’ll be working out Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” If a person keeps abusing you, you can struggle for peace instead of just struggling against hurt. You don’t need to bear their responsibility.

Why not be healthy? If you reject forgiving because you conflate it with reconciliation, you  deprive yourself of a chance to recover, lead a healthy psychological life, and even live a healthy relational life with others (if not necessarily with the offending person). Deep anger from injustices can lead to a lack of trust in general, thwarting potentially life-giving relationships.

How we think about forgiveness is important. If we make the mistake of waiting for an apology or holding out for an ideal reconciliation, we allow an offending person or a random act of cruelty dominate us for a long time, maybe even for a lifetime if the wound is deep enough. Forgiveness is a character trait healthy adults exercise. They can suffer the disappointment and loss of not being reconciled. They rely on faith, hope and love more than their capacity to create a preferred harmony. We are free to forgive, if we choose, regardless of the outcome, even if someone refuses to apologize.

*****************************

Today is William Seymour Day! Talk about a person who had a lot to forgive! He managed the trials with a radical faith fueled by the Holy Spirit!  Read all about  him at The Transhistorical Body.

 

Your pot of anger — a psalm

A life in the Spirit, Poetry

My pot boils.
I don’t attend it until the liquid is gone
and a dark, dead scum is left
to scrape off and wash away.
Whole kettles have been lost.

Sometimes a simmer
bubbles all day, attended and fragrant,
and a deadly anger turns to action,
into something to be savored
like a done just enough stew.

If one is evil, vengeance is food,
the feast of the grave
waiting by the door, unmastered.
If one is good, the feast is justice,
like a dug up garden
soaking up love to produce good fruit.

So don’t leave your pot untended.
Follow the fragrance up to your room.
Kneel on your bench and listen well,
or your heart will grow dry
and your mind imprisoned by your fears.

Anger needs to simmer.
Some days it is stew.
Some days it is death.
If not cooked in God’s kitchen,
who would know?

Six emotions from the abyss: They are rippling through this time

A life in the Spirit, Psychological growth, Spiritual direction, , , , , , , , ,

I was languidly reading this Morton Kelsey book from 1983: Companions on the Inner Way: The Art of Spiritual Guidance, when I got stuck on Chapter 5: “Atheism, Agnosticism and Spiritual Guidance.” I discovered that long before I had to disable Copilot (a Microsoft A.I. invader hoping to monetize my creativity), Kelsey pondered the spiritual diseases of modern/post-modern life. That sickness is coming to the fore, right now, since the electorate (probably) unleashed the sociopathic Trump on the world and he brought a slew of grandiose, incompetent individualists with him. Their wickedness is infectious.

Just last week the Secretary of Agriculture, Brooke Collins “doubled down” on “no amnesty” for undocumented farmworkers and implied that a mythic number of “able-bodied” Medicaid recipients could fill in for them, all in the cause of creating an “all-American workforce” [YouTube]. Then President Trump hosted a televised roundtable with African leaders in which a favored reporter asked the group if they would support Trump receiving the Nobel Peace Prize (for suggesting the depopulation of Gaza and sending stealth bombers from the heartland to bomb Iran, I suppose). Several fawning leaders cravenly supported the notion. Then the President complimented the Liberian president, Joseph Boakai, on his good English, apparently not knowing that Liberia was created by Americans and the official language has been English since 1847 [YouTube]. Once again, the slavers and the autocrats who enable them are set loose on the world. It is depressing. Many of us can’t see a way out of it, yet.

The abyss

Not seeing the way is just what Kelsey was exploring, too. So I had to pause. He realized his way of seeing was too shallow. His intellect was not enough to keep him in the faith he needed. Like Abbe Huvelin said, “In faith we have just enough light to follow the right way, but on either side there is the abyss.” Kelsey saw that, left alone with his own understanding, he would keep falling into the abyss.

It was getting to know about Carl Jung  that helped him come to “realize that the spiritual world was real and the Divine Lover could be known and shared.” After that realization, his experience of love plus intellectual belief kept him out of the pit. He says,

Later I met Jung, who told how he was jolted out of the rational, materialistic agnosticism of his medical training. He learned that there was a nonphysical dimension to reality, which was observable to anyone who would take the trouble to experience it. It was, as he said, as experienceable as were the two moons of Jupiter to those in Galileo’s time who would take the trouble to look through the telescope. He believed that one of the most important therapeutic tasks was to free people caught in the constricting materialism of our time and open them up to a more adequate view of reality. He viewed the person wholly caught up in materialism as more sick than amoral or immoral. We need to outthink our materialistic world, just as the early Christians outthought the ancient world.

Kelsey was writing during the “Reagan Revolution” years which did not come to full fruit until Trump and his minions took over. The unleashing of sick, unfettered greed backed by the power of the American war machine is overwhelming. It is not hard to see a wave of depression rippling through the country in reaction — and it has to be depressing for African leaders to abase themselves on international TV. If there is no more meaning to life than winning the economic battle for supremacy there are steep personal prices to pay.

We have meaning

One of Jung’s important contributions to psychology and theology was his recognition that the inability to believe in anything, or the belief in a meaningless world, can be classified as disease or sickness which can cause as much damage as childhood trauma, acute tension or a dose of poison. If anyone believes they have no meaningful place in the universe, it can result in emotional and physical illness.

We yearn to join in the meaning of the universe. But it is all-too-easy to fall into the abyss when we are overwhelmed by meaninglessness. Suicide studies draw the simple conclusion that relying on hotlines to give desperate people attention and shore up their reason to live, providing a moment of community to shore up their capacity to take up their lonely responsibility, are not enough. The linked study concludes what I think is obvious: “Giving a person a job or proper health care can also be a suicide-prevention tool,” since such care allows for a minimal sense of meaning and value.

The present regime calls such practical, caring measures “socialist,” I think. Instead, they practice devaluing people, like when an ICE army invaded the heart of Los Angeles last week, teaching kids at a summer camp to hide [YouTube]. The message the regime delivers everyday is clearly received, especially by the most vulnerable. For instance, the Trevor Project reports a huge increase in the use of their hotlines after Trump’s election and inauguration.

The six signs of the abyss

Kelsey lists six “devastating emotions” which result from a sense of being an alien in a hostile or indifferent universe. The first three are related.

  1. Fear

The sense of being an alien is a hostile or indifferent universe leads to fear of meaninglessness, fear of extinction at death, fear that we are faced with more than we can handle, fear that no one loves me, and fear of sickness.

  1. Anger

Anger is the aggressive reaction to the same threatening feelings. Sometimes we turn our anger inward where it burns like a slow smoldering, consuming fire. Sometimes it strikes out in hatred and revenge.  Many say we are living in an “age of rage.”

  1. Stress

Stress is the understandable result  of our belief that we, alone, have the power to protect ourselves from threat and we must do this by our own relentless alertness and energy. In a meaningless world we are faced with an impossible task, so stress is inevitable.

  1. Depression

Depression is the unconscious twin of stress; it is giving up in the face of hopelessness. When there is no friendliness in the universe, there is less reason to expect it from human beings and less reason to reach out.

  1. Loneliness

A gnawing loneliness is the inevitable circumstance that accompanies separation from social meaning. It is presently epidemic. Before DOGE got to HHS, the agency advised us on health issues. The Surgeon General produced a notable study on loneliness in 2023. Now we have RFK Jr’s “MAHA” report.

  1. Psychic infection

All these things make us susceptible to psychic infection, which is the contamination  by the fear, anger, stress, depression and lonely hopelessness of others. Drugs of every kind have been unleashed to combat this infection, but they don’t quite hit the spot. When we are wallowing in our own and in society’s abyss, we need some meaning, some love, some supernatural connection. As Jung said, “The approach to the numinous is the real therapy.”

People are fond of saying things like “The world has been crazy before, we’ll be OK.” I appreciate those good people who have a psychological KN95 mask to wear and seem immune to infection. I, on the other hand, am suffering the wounds of political disaster, climate change, out-of-control militarism and whatever A.I. is going to do to me. What’s more, I experience Kelsey’s six devastating emotions in my beloved clients, who are bravely struggling for meaning in the middle of our oppositional society.

Rather than relying on Nature to right itself, I turn to Jesus who has two important things to say to us today. I hope focusing on them is like seeing the moons of Jupiter. They are a lens that reveals meaning in our suffering and a lens that looks beyond the borders of our understanding into Love.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” – John 6:67-69

*******************

Speaking of people who know how to suffer for righteousness’ sake, today is Argula von Grumbach Day! This Reformation era woman used her gifts and people noticed, to good ends and bad. Get to know her at The Transhistorical Body.

The Trump fear factor: What we are doing about it

A life in the Spirit, Psychological growth, The Mission, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Rogan in younger days

Are you old enough to remember the first Fear Factor TV show?  According to your friend, Wikipedia, it was “an American stunt/dare game show that first aired on NBC from 2001 to 2006 and was initially hosted by comedian and UFC commentator Joe Rogan.”

After a summer of endless advertising, it was successful enough to be granted a full season right after the World Trade Center buildings were destroyed by airplanes on 9/11 and the United States started an unending War on Terror.

I think most of the population is still figuring our what to do with their personal war on terror. The media’s advice  was generally delivered via products like Fear Factor which proved a regular, beefed-up person, could basically do anything if they put their mind to it and had some way to film the deed.  Psychotherapists had increasing wisdom to offer, as well. They had been concentrating on trauma since the Vietnam War, and now began institutionalizing screening practices for it, summarized by Harris and Fallot in their seminal article. As a result, the Marvel superhero films, like The Avengers, began to showcase more complex and vulnerable heroes. They grappled with the trauma of relentless attacks by monstrous beings and faced the strain of dishing out violence while trying to have  principles.

Fear Factor is still going. It has become a successful franchise for selling packages of artificially-controlled trauma back to the people living in an age of overwhelm, and has spawned versions all over the world.  MTV aired a version with Ludacris as host in 2017-18 which included a Jersey Shore episode with Snooki and Pauly D. With the dawn of Trump 2.0 the time is ripe for an American reboot and it is planned for a fall premier later this year. People Magazine (still exists) quotes the advertising tag line: “Dropped into an unforgiving, remote location, a group of strangers will live together under one roof, and face mind-blowing stunts, harrowing challenges and a twisted game of social strategy where trust is fleeting — and fear is a weapon.” Some people might say that sounds like a recent school board public meeting.

The fear factor is background

I think we often gloss it over and talk about something other than our fear, even though we are afraid all the time. Don’t get me wrong, much of human development is a reaction to our fears, so saying we live in an “age of fear” could be a bit grandiose. After all, the ancient collection of the Bible is said to have 365 instances where we are told “do not be afraid” – since we are all afraid most of the time. If God is not with us and we are not with God, what will become of us?

It is easy to see our fearful reactions to the Trump turmoil. He’s the newest fear factor which has become the background of our days and his perverse nonsense will be a dark cloud on our summer picnics. I and over 80,000 others protested it all in Philly last Saturday. We don’t like living in an era where our fears are heightened, our reactivity is on a hair-trigger, and both rationality and compassion are constantly strained.

I can’t imagine your personal experience. But if it is anything like mine, you have also witnessed many people facing the newest fear factor. You could, no doubt,  add your own reactions to those I’ve noticed in others:

  • Schools and other institutions are still rushing to rewrite DEI language before they lose funds.
  • People are not buying real estate because of uncertainty.
  • People are finding new drugs to take for their anxiety.
  • High school and college grads can’t imagine what professions will be left after A.I. fully takes root.
  • Old people wonder how stable their nest egg is now that crypto is infecting their portfolios and a crypto family is in power.
  • People who would like to pastor the church but find other things to do because of the poisoned atmosphere for leading.
  • People are actively going through the process to claim birthright citizenship in other countries in case they need to escape the fascist U.S.

Recently, IMY2, a newer group from Nashville, ably covered Buffalo Springfield’s famous indictment of the fear factor from 1967: “For What It’s Worth.” It is the perfect soundtrack for scenes of Senator Padilla being wrestled to the ground. I shouted “Hey, hey. Ho Ho. Kristi Noem has got to go” during No Kings Day. I hope she’s out before she “liberates” Philly.

June 14 was a hugely positive reaction

The media continues to highlight burning Waymos and assassinations, somewhat justifiably. But they also turned up to cover the over 2100 protests last Saturday — estimates of the number of protesters are still being formulated: so far, 5 million people is low, 11 million is high. So many people have been personally touched by the senseless, somewhat random governance of the goon squad let loose by our psychopathic president they got into the street.

Here are well known examples of the fear factor their signs referenced:

  • Scientists and researchers now fear speaking out publicly because their funding will be cut. Their livelihoods are threatened and they are intimidated.
  • Journalists, foreign and domestic, are harassed and funding is cut to free speech institutions that took years to develop.
  • Trump’s first 100 days upended the global order led by Americans which painstakingly developed cooperation and created mechanisms to solve differences.

  • People are becoming more aware and Trumps approval numbers are slipping. A new president who leads a minority, not the country, is inherently destabilizing.

Governments are all about stability. At their best, they are about the common good. In functional democracies, they skillfully manage ongoing institutions that provide justice and services while they incorporate the changing needs  associated with societal development. They are much more complex than corporations and require people who devote great skill to maintaining them. When all that is absent, the fear factor immediately intensifies.

Seattle on June 14

Work on healthy responses to the fear factor

I personally loved how boring it can be when 80,000 people are out for a peaceful stroll together. The socialists, communists, and Free Palestine people were out last Saturday with their usual singlemindedness. But we just stepped away and joined the next 1000 people on their way to the Art Museum. We brought children, so one time we needed to start our own chant when all we heard was “Fuck Trump.” But most people were pretty happy. That’s one of the main ways to beat fear:

Be happy. Joy was in the air at the march, not just fear. Many of us were with loved ones. And we were with 1000’s of people who were with us. Being outside, being together, having a common purpose are all avenues to joy — I was praying, too. We need to hang on to joy.

Be creative. We were also making a protest together. And many of us made some very creative signs. Mine looked a bit like I might be in 4th grade — but I did put my marker to foam board which I had to go buy. I made the effort. It always feels good to make things. It is definitely joyless to destroy.

Talk about it.  Fear is dissipated when it is named. Sometimes trauma is hard to get to, of course, it gets locked in our most basic brain. But talking is probably better than anesthetizing it with the latest drug, for most of us. It was nice to have 80,000 people bringing up the subject.

Get righteously mad. Obviously, most Americans did not get to the protest. They might have honked their horn on the way to work or to attending to their aging mother’s medical needs. They may think Donald Trump will save them from gay marriage, Mexican rapists or other terrors. More likely they are opted out of everything because they are uncertain, alone and overwhelmed. Being angry and not sinning is good self-care. Last Saturday, shouting “Stephen Miller has got to go!” felt very good —  I got it out of the churn of the fear factor invading my peace. The churn died down for a bit. I intend to keep shouting.

Take hold of your anger so you can let it go

A life in the Spirit, Psychological growth, Spiritual direction, , , , ,

I have talked to many Christians about their anger. Many of them could barely tolerate the subject because they were ashamed of their lack at self-control. I’ve concluded they felt that way because they had concentrated on talking themselves out of it. They were looking for their thoughts to align with God’s and then expected such an alignment to fix their anger problem. They really wanted to stop being a time bomb their mate was afraid they were going to set off. They understood their problem. But they just could not get their problem to listen to reason.

Pixar boils it down to this.

You might carry some anger

If the description above resembles you or someone you know, I hope you won’t hold it against them. They may have grown up in a church that was so convinced the Bible was God’s gift to solve all their problems they were obsessed with learning and applying the words correctly. They might have been so into the interpretation of the words they stopped listening with anything but their minds. Chances are they have been angry at themselves for being such a terrible listener and apply-er!

I have often preached, as I am about to, that the people who wrote the Bible were a lot deeper than the Bible. John, the beloved disciple of Jesus, plainly says he did not scratch the surface of what Jesus said and did at the end of his profound Gospel. The Apostle Paul apparently spent 14 years  listening and meditating before he was sent on his missionary journeys and wrote his wonderful teaching. They experienced deep transformation that went way beyond words.

Here is one thing Paul learned from God (not merely the Bible) that applies to letting go of your anger.

Not that I have already obtained all this [new life], or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. – Philippians 3:12

He wrote that line because he was taken hold of by Jesus and he was moved to take hold of Jesus. He did not apply a loosely understood set of words to write his letter and he was not teaching his readers to do that. He believed the Holy Spirit would take hold of his readers just like he was, and they would be able to let go of the past and live a new life with new goals just like he was.

If you are so angry your children are afraid of what you will do or say to them; if you can’t get along in your work or it makes you so frustrated you can’t resist venting about it; if you are angry in advance about what you suspect someone will do to you much of the time; if you use intoxicants to “take the edge off” because you are perpetually on the edge of anger; Jesus is reaching right into that place, Spirit-to-spirit, to save you. Take his hand and good things will follow.

When anger comes up, take hold of it

Lots of people want to be saved and have taken all sorts of steps to reap the benefits of faith. But many of them have done it via words and thoughts, not by Spirit and experience. They say to me with frustration, “I have done the right thing. I study the Bible every day. And I am still this way.“ You may have grasped the content, but not the hand of Jesus.

When it comes to anger, when we pray (which is mostly too deep for words), anger will likely come up if we have it, unless we are committed to repressing it. If we let our anger surface, acknowledge it — you could say “grasp it,” then we can let it go.

Some people I’ve heard lately want the Spirit of God to fulfill promises on their behalf and take care of their anger. They say things like, “I did what the Bible says to do. I cast my anger on God because God cares for me. So why was I still furious as soon as I saw my wife?”

There are a lot of answers to that question which go beyond what I am trying to do here.  But one answer would be. “I think you may have really just cast your anger back into the place where you usually keep it, and you expected Jesus to guard the door for you.”

What we need to do is let the anger out when we are with Jesus. We need to see it as best we can. And then we can let it go. The mindfulness people do a nice job at getting to this idea, only without Jesus in the room. Here is a nice meditation one of them suggests. I think Jesus wouldn’t mind sharing that YouTube with you. When I looked for a Christian variation designed for the same purpose, it was mainly a collection of words we were supposed to think about. I’m not even going to show it to you.

When you let the anger up it might be like a hot ball. One person described it as a dark slimy mass. Another envisioned a heart with chains around it struggling to beat. It might feel terrifying to intentionally look at your anger and feel it, to take hold of it like it takes hold of you. But you can do it.

You could get with your therapist or spiritual director and they might help you experience the feeling of anger when it is not just a reaction. You could start by talking about what you’re feeling with anyone who will listen, which might be your spouse if you let them. They might help you remember the earliest times you experienced anger coming at you or coming from you and how you formed the habits you formed for defending against it or using it. You might learn why you protect it, or dominate with it, or love it, or are afraid of losing it.

Sunset at Sea — Renoir, 1879

Then let go of it

I think we have to grasp the self-defeating emotional habits and thoughts we carry before we can let them go. It might be a gentle process like loading our anger on a little boat made of fallen twigs carefully putting it in the stream and watching it float away. Or it might be more aggressive like wrestling with an opponent through the night until something new happens.

We need to apprehend our anger before we can set it loose. The translation of Philippians 3:12 which is most accurate, in my opinion, includes the word “apprehend.” It reads something like, “I want to apprehend what apprehended me.”

The sentence reflects how Jesus apprehended Paul like He was chasing down a terrorist that day Paul was on the way to Damascus to do more crimes against the Lord’s fledgling community of followers. For the rest of Paul’s life he relished being imprisoned by Jesus, stolen from the world of sin and made a slave to righteousness. What a guy! His deeply spiritual and helpful sentence has the feeling of his exhilaration: “You’ve got to grab it!” You probably won’t share his excitement unless you open up to being grabbed in the deep places you organized to defend your heart when you were very young, or when disaster struck.

See if you are angry about being apprehended after reading what I just said. See what parts of you are off limits to being touched by the Spirit or by love. Anger is usually a first line of defense against what we fear or hate. Is there anything don’t you trust Jesus to handle with you, something your anger is trying to handle instead? Ask him yourself, and you will probably be well down the road to letting go of your anger.

I know people who are angry with their spouses about how they are angry with them. But they all love and depend on their spouse! They would like not to be angry at all. They would like to stop having arguments with people in their heads. It makes no sense. When you notice that irrationality, that’s the part of you that needs to be grasped and ultimately let go. Just withdrawing with the feeling back to safety or detonating it for the same reason will not work for good.

When you are contemplating with God and anger comes up, welcome it. It is not just a distraction, it is you. You may not know everything about it: “Why I am like this? Where did this come from? Why don’t I want to deal with it?” But if you listen in the quiet you may grasp a lot more in your soul than you understand with your words. You probably know a lot about your anger you would rather not handle.

Grasp what you can so far, maybe even put your hands around that ball and look at Jesus looking at it with you. Shame, fear, loss, disappointment, all sorts of deeper emotions may start to rise. That’s OK. They may move you to let the ball go and let Jesus heal you.

Maybe you will see that hot ball of anger float away when you let go of it, blown by a spiritual breeze until you can’t see it anymore, like Renoir’s little boat (above) out in his spiritual sea. Then turn back to Jesus to see how he looks and what he wants to do. Let him do it. Lay hold of him.

I hope some kind of embrace comes to your mind when you turn to Jesus — He loves you, angry or not, after all. You’ll get to feel that love more when you’ve taken hold of your anger so you can let it go. You’ll undoubtedly feel more love from others, too, and they will feel more love from you, for sure.

*******

Today is Harriet Beecher Stowe Day! Few, if any, American women have had more influence on the United States than she had. Meet her at The Transhistorical Body.

Should I forgive them if they never offer an apology?

A life in the Spirit, Building community, Psychological growth, , , , , ,

The Washington Post surprised me the other day with an op-ed featuring Warren G. Harding – the first president after World War I, most-remembered for the corruption in his administration. That’s him throwing out the first pitch. It was a weird week. First, I liked Dick Cheney, of all people, for accompanying Liz to the Jan. 6 commemoration. Then I read WaPo and ended up admiring the super-capitalist, Teapot Dome president!

I did not know that Harding forgave Eugene V. Debs! He commuted the sentence of the  Socialist who ran against him from prison! Debs’ crime was doubting-out-loud the validity of WWI — he called it a diabolical capitalist war. I guess I would have voted for him. However, he got no affection from the Woodrow Wilson administration. They threw Debs in jail for his speech with a dubious application of the Espionage Act. When Harding followed Wilson he decided, against the advice of his advisors, to forgive Debs. He even made sure the traitor came to the White House on his way home from prison, so he could meet him and form some connection.

Biden has been acting out a similar public drama for us all year. He’d love to forgive people. But he took the gloves off on Epiphany and laid out Trump. For most of the year he has been restrained, trying hard to bridge the divide. But maybe that’s over. Are you similarly conflicted? Do you rehearse snappy things you would say to your enemies in your head — the zingers you will never get a chance to deliver? What do you do when your offender will not apologize, much less reconcile?

Have you decided how you are going to handle the people who have undermined you, lied about you and then blamed you for what they did to you? A lot of us are in a lot of drama. All over the country divorces have gone up, families have been divided over politics, churches have split and pastors have resigned. You can’t look at the news, if you dare, without someone worrying about American “democracy” – which Eugene V. Debs did not think much of when he was jailed for saying something that 900,000 people voted for.

It can be hard to forgive sometimes, but if Warren Harding can do it, maybe we can too.

What if they don’t say they are sorry?

This is always the big question when it comes to forgiveness. What if the person who hurt us is not sorry? It is not uncommon for someone to protest when forgiveness is suggested:

I can’t let my guard down. That would be surrendering and acting like they were justified in hurting me. They would get away with their crime! I would be just as vulnerable to more of the abuse I just suffered.

I will not forgive until the other person: 1) knows that wrong was done; 2) feels an inner sorrow for doing it; 3) apologizes to me; 4) and makes amends. Then I’ll know it is safe to forgive and enter back into the relationship.

Most of us are taught to apologize from a young age along the lines of those four conditions.  We bite a sibling, say something cruel, push someone around, and some well-meaning adult intervenes and tells us, “Now, say you’re sorry.” Half-hearted apologies ensue along with forced hugs and we move on. But something changes as we age. Apologies are harder to come by and pain cuts a little deeper than “She took my Sports Diva!”

What are you supposed to do when someone intentionally hurts you, rips your heart wide open, and then leaves you to pick up the pieces? What if they move on with their lives, with no well-meaning adult to come along and demand they apologize?

From our playground lessons, we’ve been conditioned to think that forgiveness follows an apology. But things change and people forget how to apologize. We protest and we hear “That’s your problem.” We get the unspoken message we’re wrong for being hurt. But living wronged with that prickly disconnection installed is a recipe for bitterness and it might even make us sick.

When hurt remains unforgiven, when the memory stays unprocessed, it sits in our hearts as if it is still happening. We wait for an apology in order to get some relief. Do you have anyone on whom you are still waiting? Is it fairly easy to get all worked up when their face pops into your mind or someone speaks about them fondly or you see them succeed? Jessica Harris wrote:

“My dad left our family when I was in elementary school. The pain caused by his abandonment ran deep. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that someone I loved could hurt me so badly when I didn’t do anything to deserve it. Then, as I got older, I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that someone I loved could hurt me so badly and not care.

That ate away at my heart for years. The hurt remained unresolved as I waited for this man to return to my life and apologize for wrecking it. I thought my anger was my power. My ability to never forget was going to ensure I would never get hurt again. It was how I protected my heart.

That anger bled over into my other relationships. I became angry in general, always blaming it on my dad. If he would just admit he was wrong, my life would be better.”

I couldn’t tell that same story.  But I have definitely had to work through similar hurts in the last few years. You probably have had some hurts too. My clients certainly share them every day: a trauma that is lodged in the memory and won’t go away, a loved one who betrayed their trust, an unscrupulous salesman or contractor who swindled them, a family member who hurt them but has since passed on. They still feel people who cut them deep but have never once breathed an apology. You might feel you have a right to hold a grudge, yourself.

What if anger is not strength?

Bitterness is an enemy of resilience. It is the opposite of joy isn’t it? It is the taste of poison.  You cannot be strong and move forward with your life while still dragging around chests full of bitterness from your past like you’re Jacob Marley.

What kids rarely learn is that forgiveness is more for the forgiver than for the offender. Forgiveness is not, “I am OK with what you did.” It isn’t even, “I accept your apology.” It is, “I am not going to hold this in me or against you anymore.”

The point of forgiveness and apologies is ultimately reconciliation. An apology is extended by the person who committed the hurt. They need to do that to get free. Forgiveness is extended by the person who was hurt. It frees them more than the offender. Then two free people who have freed one another can move on to work out how to live together in love.

Even if you can’t get to reconciliation you can still forgive, and bring closure to a hurt. You can do that even if there is no apology. If you’re too hurt to forgive right away, take time to scab over. But try not to hold on too long. The anger you nurse is just the hurt hanging on. Being angry is not being strong. Forgiving brings strength that lets us really heal and move forward with life without waiting for someone to let us out of the bitterness prison.

Go ahead and forgive

Forgiveness is uncommon enough that it is actually studied. You can be a forgiveness expert.  A growing body of research shows that best forgiveness practices are about people exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness even if there is no justice or even hope of reconciliation. One tries to be good, within reason, toward an offending person. As a result, the forgiver reduces their anger, anxiety and depression and improves their self-esteem and hope (Robert Enright). A good reason to forgive is to protect your health!.

We dare not conflate forgiveness and reconciliation. People often do, but we dare not. Forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation, restitution or justice. The offer of forgiveness can be unconditional, not dependent on the other’s response at all, including an apology. Sounds like Jesus, right? Reconciliation, when at least one party is deeply and unfairly hurt, is the fruit of forgiveness and apology and is conditional; it depends on how the offending party or parties understand their hurtful ways and change. Sounds like what Jesus would like to build, right?

A forgiver is motivated by their desire to be rid of resentment and act as good as is possible  toward an offending person. If that person has no inner sorrow, never intends to apologize or to make amends, you don’t act like they do. Yet, you can still have the intention to reconcile if the person changes and interaction becomes safe. You even can show an outward quality of forgiveness, for example, by not talking disparagingly about the offender to others. It is working out Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” If a person keeps abusing you, you can struggle for peace instead of just struggling against hurt. You don’t need to bear their responsibility.

Why not be healthy? If you reject forgiving because you conflate it with reconciliation, you  deprive yourself of a chance to recover, lead a healthy psychological life and even a healthy relational life with others (if not necessarily with the offending person). Deep anger from injustices can lead to a lack of trust in general, thwarting potentially uplifting relationships.

How we think about forgiveness is important. If we make the mistake of waiting for an apology or holding out for an ideal reconciliation, we allow the offending person or a passing act to dominate us for a long time, maybe even for a lifetime if the wound is deep enough. Forgiving and reconciling are not the same. You are free to forgive, if you choose, even if someone refuses to apologize.